All a Blur

Do you remember your very first panic attack or anxiety attack? I remember mine like it was yesterday and my mind often goes down memory lane to remind me of it.

My name is Mary-Rose, I am 25 years old and live in Sydney Australia, I have decided to create Mary-Rose.Blog because I know there are so many women and men of all different ages out there all over the world who suffer from anxiety and panic disorders and to be honest i haven’t found to many people who are open enough to want to talk about, I like to talk about it, I like to educate people about anxiety, in my experience by talking openly about my anxiety it has allowed me come across people who also suffer and has given me comfort been able to talk to someone who knows exactly what I am experiencing, but Its rare to come across these type of people often, so in saying that with this newly created blog I am hoping to bring a community together, a virtual place where you feel safe to discuss your experiences or what triggered your anxiety on a certain day, a place that doesn’t allow judgement, a place where you will get a genuine response of “I know exactly what you mean”

Even from my teenage years I have suffered what they would call health anxiety, I’ll tap into that topic in another blog, in this blog I want to focus on that moment when anxiety that you thought you had under control to a certain degree turns into a panic attack.

I promised myself that if I was going to create a blog that focuses on anxiety and panic disorders that I wouldn’t mask any information or experiences, so I’m going to rewind to last year when I experienced my very first panic attack, 30th August 2016… I woke up on a hospital couch and went straight into my father’s room hoping for a little progress, maybe my prayer, the 100th one I prayed the night before had been answered, but it hadn’t. My mind was playing tricks on me, it knew what to expect, but it didn’t want to accept it, my faith was strong and I still had hope that we would be taking Dad home in a couple of days, he would recover and life would return to the usual. We spent the Tuesday the same way we had spent the Sunday and Monday, beside dads bed, to scared to leave the room, the day progressed to evening and a little fresh air was needed. I remember walking back down the long walkway to the lifts that would return me back to my dads room, I was by myself and all of a sudden took notice of my heartbeat it felt fast but my breathing felt shallow, I made it upstairs and went straight to my dads room, I felt like I was floating through the corridors, I looked into the mirror and remember it feeling so surreal, I was looking at myself in the eyes but it felt like I was looking past myself, I walked to my dads bed told him that I loved him and went back out to the waiting room and sat next to my sister, I told her I didn’t feel very well, my lips where tingling uncontrollably and I had a very strong urge to get up from the seat, and this is when the panic attack truly kicked in, the floor started caving in on me, the family members in front of me became blurry, I started hyperventilating, no one knew what was happening to me, i didn’t know what was happening to me, which made everything even worse, everything was in slow motion, I was screaming, I was making noises that I couldn’t even control and in my head i was thinking ok this it, this is actually how it ends, I’m either dying or I’m going to be admitted in to the psych ward.

I felt warm arms around me, I heard the words “listen to my voice and breath, that’s it keep breathing” Nothing was blurry anymore, I was still shaking but I could see and I could breath. “What just happened?” I asked shocked, scared and embarrassed all at once… “you had a panic attack” my god sent cousin who is familiar with anxiety and panic disorder’s had wrapped her arms around me and calmed my breathing down, that night I was terrified to sleep, I was constantly thinking what if this happens again.

A vicious cycle then begun, the next day the whole day I was distracted in my own thoughts thinking about not wanting to ever experience a panic attack ever again, I was so consumed by the thought of a panic attack and how frightening they are to to experience and the embarrassment that comes along with them that I brought on another panic attack that night once again.

3 days later my beloved, amazing, most loving and humble father passed away, I saw him take his last breath, my heart broke, my anxiety increased even more, and then there was grieving.

My next blog ill go into grieving and dealing with anxiety at the same time. In the meantime, how did you feel after your first panic attack? where you just as frightened as I was? leave me a comment or send me a private email I would love to hear from you all.





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